Covert Deception

manipulation strategies that might be harder to spot

In conversations where people are discussing manipulation, I’ve noticed they tend to be highly sensitive to the kind that a small child — or even a dog — could perform, while seeming completely blind to the more insidious forms that smart adults sometimes use.

The two most common archetypes of manipulators, as far as I’ve seen, are the victim (”if you don’t accept my frame, you’re a bad person who’s harming me”) and the charismatic steamroller (”my frame is the obvious frame, and anyone who doesn’t accept it is stupid or delusional”).

While these types might also adopt some sophisticated manipulation tactics, I’ve personally found that those with widely recognized “manipulator vibes” tend to be relatively uncomplicated people with emotional regulation problems. This is not to suggest you disregard vibes, but just me voicing frustration.

I think it’s reasonably common for people, who seem relatively innocuous, or even unusually transparent, to be doing the more sophisticated things. I think often your gut might also tell you that something is off about these people, but it’s generally much less clear.

I really don’t want to promote general paranoia. So sorry in advance if it is too vibes-y. I mostly just find this fun and interesting to think about, perhaps don’t let it influence much of how you’re relating to other people.

Anyway, I am going to write a list of examples of the type of manipulation I’m referring to alongside some ways of dodging it.

—

Appealing to Social Desirability

Most people who live in a society and aren’t otherwise developmentally challenged are able to recognize that they aren’t supposed to provide unsympathetic accounts about other people. If they do, they will be perceived as volatile, untrustworthy, or (ironically) manipulative.

For example, pretend you are in a conversation and your evil ex comes up.

You could either:

1. Say they were evil, take no accountability, give reasons for why they were evil.

2. Do not use the word evil. List some things that you think other people will model as being evil. Then, throw in a, “oh, well I don’t know, I also made mistakes in the relationship”.

If your goal is to convince a group that your ex was evil. Everyone knows B will be more persuasive, and highly manipulative people definitely know that B will be more persuasive.

It’s tricky, because sometimes people do think their ex deserves a nuanced perspective, even if they were sorta evil. And other times, people are just being unsophisticatedly manipulative and just trying to get people on their side aggressively even if their ex did deserve nuance.

Here are some things I use to sus out what the other person is doing:

1. Are they giving any specifics? Accusations are not specifics. Ask to taboo any loaded words they might be using. What actually happened? Sometimes it can just be a vibe, but that needs to be acknowledged.

2. Get good at recognizing accusations. For example: “oh, I don’t really know how big of a deal this is, but all of the girls he dates look underage and come from vulnerable situations, and I don’t know, it makes me uncomfortable, I think he probably means well though.” This is loaded in accusations. The guy in question now seems like he’s grooming young women in tough situations.

3. Try to make the accusations explicit. If the person making them stands by them, as opposed to shrugging them away, I think this is actually a good sign. Perhaps they were just being shy.

4. Try to separate the person’s vibe and emotional state from what they are literally saying. Sometimes a person can seem kinda crazy and distraught, but they are giving you extremely specific information that supports their accusations. Other times, a person can seem quite level headed, meek, or both, but they are just throwing around completely contentless accusations.

5. I take swearing others to secrecy to generally be a pretty terrible sign. Obviously, privacy is a reasonable thing to want, and some people reflexively ask for it. But idk, be discerning and suspicious about this one.

Also, rationalists, people can use your norms to manipulate you as well! Manipulative human adults are excellent at recognizing what is socially desirable in any given group. If it is honestly, they will put on a show you won’t believe. They might seem extremely honest, often even far more than most, except for when they aren’t. People can adjust their strategies to nearly any set of norms. I have yet to see any culture be impenetrable to this type of thing.

Self-denying prophecies

People are often halfway decent forecasters. Especially when they can see that their behaviors are likely to have real consequences.

If they really want to avoid you landing on some conclusion, they might state that thing. This will usually be accompanied by some type of subtle attack on your character that makes you question your own judgment.

For example:

A person has been actively sabotaging you behind your back, and they can see that you are on your way to discovering it. They might make a direct confession.

“Excellent!” You might think.

However, this confession is not motivated by sincere guilt, but rather, by the fact that you might seek vengeance.

They will try to predict that vengeance, and you will almost certainly be able to tell, because they will often explicitly state that vengeance in the confession.

They might say, “hey, I said mean things about you to (insert person), but I was just really worried that if I said them to you directly you might then get me uninvited to your parties. I know this was cowardly, but your parties have been the main avenue for me connecting with friends and I felt really scared since I know you can be a bit unforgiving. I do wish you were more open to feedback like this.”

Here are some tips for this one:

1. Do what you would’ve done anyway. You don’t have to now uninvite them from your parties, but if they said something so heinous that you would’ve uninvited them had they come to you directly first, say, “hey, I forgive you, thanks for coming to me, but I do not feel comfortable with you continuing to attend my parties.”

2. Explicitly acknowledge what is going on. You don’t have to punish the other person, but at least make it common knowledge that you see what their real motivations are, and that you are actively choosing to let it slide.

3. If you suspect that something fishy is happening, do both of you a favor and do not build connection out of this. Perhaps they are being sincere, but you don’t trust it, which means you’re violating your own boundaries in pretending to and offering them something fake. And perhaps they are being manipulative, in which case, fuck that.

Distracting and Deterring

I think many things fall into this umbrella, but it feels like the same general flavor of manipulation. This can look like:

Exception that proves the rule: Perhaps you suspect someone might be lying. When you confront them about it, they deny it adamantly; however, they might throw in some time in which they did lie that is much less bad. The fact that this occasion was so notable to them that it stuck in their memory might mean that they are actually quite honest people. Right?? Right???

Hiding behind the truth: If they have self-awareness about their bad qualities, and bring them up often enough, it might prevent others from feeling at liberty to actually reckon with them in any real way. They are basically distracting you from the truth with the truth.

The less bad thing (or, selective transparency): They might bring attention to a less bad thing they did to you, that perhaps you didn’t even recognize, and apologize for it while still avoiding engaging with the bad thing you’re actively upset about.

I don’t really have it in me to list more of these, but you get the idea. I think the main thing to be done here is just to stick to your own frame, and sigh.

—

I’m not entirely sure why I wrote this. Honestly, I think I just find complex deception interesting. It’s probably both healthier and more accurate to assume that most people aren’t doing any of this intentionally or maliciously. And it’s impossible to live a social life without engaging in some form of manipulation, which makes me want a different word for whatever I’m pointing at here.

That said, I do think people who adopt this flavor of covert manipulation get away with it most of the time, and I think that’s corrosive to communities. I just don’t know how to address it on a larger scale.