on giving compliments

Yesterday I wrote a post titled: thoughts on teaching people social manipulation (I am basically for it)

This essay is basically a continuation of it. Something similar to this was going to be integrated in yesterday’s post, but unfortunately I got too tired and pulled it. So now it’s kind of a separate thing.

I had a friend who was running into some social troubles. They had the highly unfortunate combination of: a) coming off as highly threatening (i.e., seemed dark triad-y), and b) being unusually, way far out of distribution, socially incompetent. And, it seemed like the more they tried to get people to like them, the more it reinforced everyone’s perception of them as a threat.

I think about this relatively often; because sometimes, when I could tell they were making an effort to get others to like them, I would get a sick feeling in my stomach. I didn’t exactly know why.

It might seem immediately obvious to anyone reading this that perhaps I was simply recognizing the feeling of someone being manipulative; however, I was pretty certain that wasn’t it.

And, in one instance I finally pinned it down: it felt like a very extreme version of cringe.

—

This specifically came up when I’d notice that they were trying to get others to like them through flattery.

I believe this is a common strategy that people employ when they want others to like them. I’ve seen it in shy autistics and in sociopaths alike. I think it was basically reasonable for this person to have landed on it as a thing to try.

Pointing out when you like something about someone else seems like an obviously prosocial thing to do, and I think it’s basically good that people tend to reward it with increasing general friendliness and warmth.

However, I think what determines whether or not this works is basically whether or not the person receiving the flattery perceives it as being sincere. I think what determines whether or not it is perceived as sincere essentially comes down to whether or not it is plausible that the person giving the flattery means it.

Here is an example:

I meet a clearly highly conscientious, well put together, girlboss type. We speak for a while, and then she hits me with something like: “I really admire your ability to relax and let loose”

No the fuck you don’t. We both know you don’t. Why are you even saying this??

Obviously, this depends on the tone and general vibe, and I could imagine some situations in which this felt sincere. However, in general, a comment like this would dramatically increase my suspicion of her.

And, while in general a fake-seeming compliment like this would be motivated by something more akin to “humblebragging”, if I had any reason to believe that the girl was motivated to get me to like them, I would immediately want them as far away from me as possible. Which is the complete opposite of the intended effect of the flattery.

—

While the solution to this ultimately amounts to something like: “consider actually being sincere, but like, actually”

I do think there is in fact a bit of art to it.

I’ve read other people’s takes on how to give compliments. Generally, the advice is optimizing for making the other person feel seen (along the lines of “give people highly specific personalized compliments”). I think that this can be very good advice, especially if you know the other person very well. However, I think it is actually far riskier as it is prone to big misreads, can come off as creepy and out of place, and generally ends up requiring so much more cognition than just giving any basic compliment.

I think there is a much simpler formula:

Don’t even really try to model the other person.

Simply think: “what do you like about yourself?”, “What do you actually value?”

And then think: “do you see any of these qualities present in the person you’re talking to?”

I think this successfully avoids the common failure modes of engaging in flattery. And, I think that it is because it forces compliments into something sincere.

It’s kind of weird and glitchy if any of your compliments feel like they’re requiring significant effort.

If you can’t find anything about the person you’re talking to through using this method, it’s probably a skill issue; however, it is also highly unlikely that you will charm them regardless of what you do. It is better to just be pleasant and not make active attempts towards getting them to like you; or, I swear, it has been my observation that a sincere and playful insult is often somehow a less socially risky move than flattery in cases like these.

—

I remember coming across some generic dating advice that said something like “ask yourself whether or not you’d be flattered if someone compared you to your partner”.

While I don’t think this is terrible advice, I remember immediately thinking: “well, who is saying this?” I could easily see myself feeling quite flattered by some people saying this. I could also quite easily see someone gaining my hatred through saying it. And, I think I am basically correct and calibrated in either case.

The exact same observation coming from a different person can land entirely differently.

Even if you model the other person as liking some quality in themselves that you don’t particularly value, and even if you are correct about them liking it, the words that come out of your particular mouth are likely to land quite poorly.

—

Perhaps I should’ve added this as a big disclaimer at the beginning, but I really like other people. It feels particularly easy for me to find things I like in other people. I feel close to zero of the secret disdain for all humans that I’ve observed some others as having.

Because of this, I don’t think I really struggle with sincerity. I have other massive flaws, but I’m pretty sincere. So, because it’s never been something I’ve intentionally worked on, I haven’t actually put any of my insights to the test. Compliments flow out of my mouth quite organically, without almost any consideration at all.

However, if this is not you, I think you should relate to this essay as sincerity training.