what I will put up with in a partner

more people should make lists of undesirable things they will tolerate in relationships

I don’t recall where I heard this piece of general dating advice, but it went something like, “find the things you are most willing to compromise on that other people aren’t.” I think this is an excellent thing to follow.

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I found myself inspired both by Pandora’s list for what she desires in a partner and by an article I wrote recently about how women have standards that are too high due to having poor feedback loops.

While almost all women desire similar qualities in a partner (e.g., intelligence, kindness, financial stability, etc.), although perhaps with varying weight, most women also have some idiosyncratic preferences.

Sometimes, when other women hear about these idiosyncratic preferences from their friends, they might come to believe their friends have either misguided or unreasonable standards.

However, similarly often, when women hear their friends share anecdotes about their relationships, feel absolutely horrified, and then come to believe their friends have no self-respect or even basic standards.

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Women in relationships are making completely different tradeoffs.

And, my guess is that women tend to not talk about this largely because they don’t know that they are willing to make large tradeoffs or feel secretly embarrassed by the fact that they are.

A perhaps better way to calibrate to whether your standards are unreasonable is not to look at the list of things you desire in a partner; but rather, the corresponding list of Ls you are willing to take for the right person.

In the spirit of that, I think it might be useful to other women to hear about which traits I personally have an unusual tolerance for in partners, alongside which traits I have an unusual desire for in partners.

So here we go:

Things I will tolerate

Extreme levels of autism. One time I accidentally fell asleep at a party only to wake up and realize that my partner had left without me. I immediately tried calling him, only to not receive a response until around half an hour later. Turns out, he got completely swept up by the clear night sky and decided to turn off his phone to see if he could get back home using only celestial navigation. Considering I was friends with everyone at the party, it didn’t even cross his mind that it might be upsetting to me for him to leave. I’ve found that most other people literally can’t model this level of autism and immediately believe I’m being taken for a fool. No. I am not. There are just levels of autism way beyond your comprehension.

Neuroticism. I’ve basically never had a chill time at an airport when travelling with a partner. Everyone I’ve ever dated, in some form or another, has possessed some incredibly idiosyncratic neuroses.

Friends do not like them. This isn’t universal, I think some of my friends have reasonable judgment. However, I almost always trust my own judgment well above that of those around me. Also, having a shared social network with my partner is a bonus, but definitely not really a must-have.

Chivalry (or lack thereof). I’ve come to find chivalry nicer as I’ve gotten older. However, I definitely don’t need much of it in a relationship. I can’t remember the last time anyone paid for me while on a date, and I am not too bothered by it.

Indecisiveness. I tend to find myself in relationships where I end up leading plans by default. I simply don’t find it particularly difficult to choose what to watch, where to eat, whether to attend an event, etc. This seems to be a common shortcoming that I happen not to have, and I really don’t care if my partner has it.

Strange must-haves

Unconventionality. They have to be weird. While I wouldn’t have previously thought of it this way, I notice that I simply cannot love “normal” people. I have tried dating normal people, and I basically always find myself going “meh” pretty quickly. This seems related to nonconformity, which I also need. Frankly, the thought of dating a regular guy, with a regular job, spends weekends watching sports, owns a house in the suburbs, and is thinking about saving for retirement feels genuinely nauseating. I would rather date a borderline schizophrenic dysfunctional nutjob. However, it doesn’t even have to be that extreme. Honestly, most people even inside of my community that already selects for pretty weird and unconventional people, feel too normal. I wish it weren’t true.

Generativeness. Creativity is also a must. Whether it’s artistic or intellectual, the person I date needs to be relatively exceptional at generating new things and/or ideas.

Cuteness. I really like it when men have collections, keep weird sentimental objects, or have other innocent eccentric hobbies. For whatever reason, I’ve generally found that this comes along with having stronger aesthetic sensibilities, which is also important. Perhaps what I am tracking here is some type of “being in touch with a type of feminine vulnerability.” This is another one of those traits that might seem unreasonable to “need”; however, I just simply cannot see myself ever loving someone without it.

Talkativeness. I used to compromise on this one, and never again. They need to be actively happy and excited to have several-hour-long conversations multiple times per week, and preferably per day.

Although I haven’t read all of Pandora’s list, I felt inspired by the fact that she listed “cnc orgy compatible” as a relationship must-have for herself.

Very, very few men are cnc orgy compatible.

And yet, I realize that I do not find myself concerned at all about whether Pandora is holding standards that are too high or unreasonable.

Most people heavily select themselves into social environments where they can meet others who possess their (seemingly) unreasonable preferences. But also, if strange desires in partners are matched with similarly high tolerances for related shortcomings, then it’s rather unlikely that you have standards that are too high.

I think women would get a lot out of talking to their friends about what they’re willing to put up with in a partner. My guess is that women (and people in general) feed into each other’s unrealistic standards through just listing the things they absolutely need from a partner while leaving out the things they’ll tolerate.